Dilemma..๐Ÿค”๐Ÿ™„

Dearly beloved are you listening?
I can’t remember a word that you were saying
Are we demented or am I disturbed?
The space that’s in between insane and insecure
Oh therapy, can you please fill the void?

Quoting one of my most favourite singers “Billie Joe Armstrong” from his very famous “Jesus of Suburbia” – I think to myself, “Mahn, how can a song written years ago resonate my feelings so accurately?” (although the context is entirely different!)

I can literally feel myself going paranoid over the most trivial things lately because a certain disturbing thought has made its home under my skin. In spite of so many reassurances that I’m really only being stupid and all’s well in the world, I can’t seem to shake it off! Maybe this will work then, well I certainly am counting on it.

You tell me all’s well, that I have nothing to fear

And yet my thoughts seem to dwell, no matter how hard I try to clear

I nag and become annoying and yet you never complain

Can you see that this is exactly the cause of my pain?

Maybe you do or maybe you don’t; maybe you don’t even comprehend

The thing is I need you to say something; my friend

Something, anything. Silence kills me

So you see the problem is probably me, yet I’ve made this about you

Now looking for an answer in this poem, when I really should be saying ” Screw you!”

– To you or to my mind, now that begs the real question! ๐Ÿค”

Maybe I’ll get an answer or maybe I won’t.

But like I said I’m counting on it ( on you ;))

So who’s coming to my rescue here? I’m waiting for an answer ๐Ÿ™‚

Advertisements

A story, a struggle…or was it? ๐Ÿ–ค๐Ÿ’ญ

I began writing because initially it seemed like a hobby and then started with this blog a few months later because, well it was all in the rage and somehow I wanted to be a part of it. But also because I wanted to reach out to a large audience; people outside my family and friend circle, who would more often than not, love every article or poem I wrote rather than criticize it when required. So I began this journey 2.5 years ago but somewhere around 6 months ago, marked the beginning of a haitus where I just was not able to sit down and write. No matter how much and whenever I tried, I couldn’t comprehend my thoughts enough to put them on paper.

But if I am being honest, I will have to admit that somehow I didn’t even want to write. At first, I couldn’t see it myself and once when I did, I couldn’t accept the fact that I, who looked for inspiration to write in everyday life, could not come up with anything or rather, chose not to. I stopped doing one of the few things I really loved doing. Somehow in the process, I withdrew myself inside a shell; a protective cone of “writer’s block”. Every time someone asked me when was the next blog coming up, I would very conveniently say “Oh I just haven’t been able to write, facing a writer’s block, you see” and get away with it without even feeling guilty about it.

But the truth is that I was scared. Scared of what I might end up writing. Scared of my feelings. I was afraid that if I caved in to my feelings, the outcome would be the most melancholy piece I’d have ever written. And I was okay with that, to an extent. But what I was not okay with, is that it would mean I would have laid out my heart and inner most feelings open for everyone to read and feel. And I didn’t want that. I wanted to keep it inside, knowing full well that it would destroy me from within without me even realising. But I did realise it, slowly, every day.

Then one day, I finally caved in and sat to write down. It was such a relief to let it out! I wrote a poem, pouring down my heart in that small poem. But I never blogged it because somehow it felt too personal to share with the world to be put it out there in the open. So it’s still there, saved peacefully in my drafts, wondering if it will ever get to see the light of day.

But as I was writing this, tears strolled down my face and now as I am finishing this up, there’s a slight smile on my face because not only have I finally written but also shared my struggle or rather the lack of it, with you all. And although, this still doesn’t guarantee that I will write again anytime soon, I certainly am hopeful that maybe, this is not the end but in fact a new beginning.

Hope to see you guys still there, waiting on the other end!

Thank you for being here and sticking around ๐Ÿ™‚ โค๏ธ

And it was just one if those days… ๐Ÿ’ญ

So while returning at the end of a rather weird day where I couldn’t pin point what was bothering me really; walking at the most busiest station in the city – probably one of the most busiest stations of the country! The seamless number of people just creeping out of nowhere literally got me thinking.

How all of those people, returning home after a long day, some joyous for the upcoming weekend, some rather disappointed for havinh to go to work tomorrow on a national holiday when everyone would be celebrating at home, some fired from their jobs, some hired for a new job, some cracking their first deal on their new venture, some returning to an empty home with no one waiting for them while some wishing they would reach just in time to kiss good night to their kids while some going for their very first date or some going through a heartbreak! How everyone has some or the other battle or milestone event that they can’t wait to celebrate while some would silently wipe their tears and pray to the Almighty to put an end to their dark hour.

Just then I realised, how could I be upset for something that I don’t even know is bothering me? How could I let some weird unconscious thought ruin my state of mind? But as they say no point crying over spilt milk, I am going back home with a hopeful thought for a happier tomorrow. And you know what, that’s exactly what it’s going to be tomorrow. Happy

From despair and loneliness to hope (3/3)

With the dawn of sunrise, came the promise of a new day; a new beginning. After twisting & turning with no hope of sleeping and aimlessly walking the night before, now walking along the shore with only the sound of waves and a few birds chirping, I felt the cold crisp morning breeze touch my skin and I let myself soak in the solitude of the empty beach.

Fascinatingly gazing at the orangish pink hues in the otherwise clear blue skies, I knew I had regained my lost perspective.

And although I still tucked my hands in my pockets, I no longer felt lonely. I felt whole; within myself. Whole enough to enjoy that bliss of solitude that God had bestowed upon me. Because I remembered that no matter what I do and where I go, my happiness was the result of my thoughs. That it was far more important to live in the here and now than to live in the realm of expectations.

That happiness was a state of mind and I had complete control over it and that as long as I remembered this, I would always find my happy place within me.

From despair and loneliness to hope (2/3)

With only the sound of waves crashing on the shore, the pitch black surrounding and nothing but the starry sky to give me company, I knew what solitude looked like. And I know that solitude is bliss. I believe it.

But somehow I could not enjoy that bliss. It was like my solitude was turning into loneliness. Unlike the complete serenity that I was beholding, a part of me felt incomplete. Like the emptiness of the pitch black ocean, I could feel a sinking feeling tug at my shoulder, pulling me down.

As I put both my hands into my pockets and walked down the dark winding road, I could feel the yearning in my heart and in my hands that were aching to reach out to you. Hold your hands and feel the firmness in them to know that I was safe. That I was home. That I was with you.

From despair and loneliness to hope (1/3)

Staring into the beautiful horizon, waves of๏ฟผ\nStaring into the beautiful horizon, waves of emotions washed over me as my eyes tried to capture the beautiful sight to etch it in my memory.\nFascinated by the magnificent ocean before me, I could feel the gush of air blowing into my face; making my heart swell with happiness.\nBut there was something else too that I couldn\’t quite put my finger on.\nMy heart felt full; yet not quite complete as if it wasn\’t whole. Like I left a part of it back where I came from. Surrounded by loved ones and still I could feel the dearth of being alone. That tingling feeling just didn\’t seem to elude me.\n๏ฟผ\nMy heart was calling out to you but silence was all I got and with that silence came nothingness; drowning me within its wake. emotions washed over me as my eyes tried to capture the beautiful sight to etch it in my memory.
Fascinated by the magnificent ocean before me, I could feel the gush of air blowing into my face; making my heart swell with happiness.

But there was something else too that I couldn’t quite put my finger on.

My heart felt full; yet not quite complete as if it wasn’t whole. Like I left a part of it back where I came from. Surrounded by loved ones and still I could feel the dearth of being alone. That tingling feeling just didn’t seem to elude me.

My heart was calling out to you but silence was all I got and with that silence came nothingness; drowning me within its wake.

Going back to the roots

It was just a usual Sunday, like any other. We were returning home from my sister’s and while we were in the car, we saw a huge flock of birds in the twilight sky, those that form different shapes while flying and always stick together. My mother immediately showed this beautiful sight to my 7 year old niece who, to my surprise, was awed. And my mom being the teacher she always has been, told her this : See those birds, Vidhi? They are heading towards their home at the end of the day. They always fly together so no one goes astray. Do you know what that means? You should also never run away and leave your parents.

Of course she was referring to times when Vidhi went out with her parents so that she doesn’t get lost. But to me; well to me it struck altogether a different chord. It felt like this was somehow directed straight towards me. And I felt a pang of guilt when I remembered the recent times when I expressed my desire to spend time away from them. That I’d rather travel alone or basically with anyone but them when discussing about a trip I intend to make before the end of this year.

Now I don’t know if that really was the case or not but it sure did feel like it. But knowing how my mom is usually not to play around with words, and make her point clearly if she intends to make one in the first place, it probably was nothing. Just an innocent talk between a granny and her grand daughter. And I was just the passive 3rd party to this conversation with a guilty conscience.

But maybe the universe meant for me to feel what I did. Because it was only then that I realised what a complete asshole I was being to my parents. Understandable that I am that age where one doesn’t necessarily feel like spending all of their time with their parents. But they never asked me to spend my entire spare time with them. They only expected me to remove some time out of my “world” and spend some quality time with them. And I just like every other person in their early 20s didn’t particularly do anything about it.

But today’s little incident gave me so much to delve into. I mean let’s face it, all of us in our 20 somethings are probably at the helm of our careers, or on the brink of starting one. Money, career, travelling, friends, living the dream – suddenly become the most important things and our families take a backseat. What we forget is that while we are waiting for our beaitiful futures to unravel, our parents are getting old. They can’t do things they once were able to do with ease. And we don’t know how much time they have with us. We often realise the value of things and people after they walk away from us. But these are not just any people. They gave life to us. The least we could do for them is to give them some of our time and love instead of crying in front of their graveyards long after they’re gone.

So let’s decide to spend at least one weekend each month with them. Let’s take that trip with them that they really want us to join in. Cook a small meal for them! Maybe become a little responsible at home. These really are small things but will mean the world to them.

Let’s try to go back to our basics. To our roots. Stick together; because together we are stronger.

I don’t know about you, but at least I am going to try my best.