Learning to live without you 💙

Looking at the empty side of your bed where you used to lay

I paused for a moment, only to just carry on with the rest of my day

All the people I met, asked me if I was doing okay

But did anyone actually care what I really wanted to say?

Could I tell them that my world was broken and it bores a hole in my chest?

That no matter what I do doesn’t seem to let me rest!

So all I say is I’m fine with a half-hearted smile

And off I go; so I can hide behind my work files

Day one had just begun

And I was already waiting for it to get done

As I head back to our now empty home

Hoping to hear your angry voice as I eat from that take out near our home

Only to realise that now I’ll never get to hear you say

Feeling sorry for all the times I told you to stay out of my way

As I silently cry myself to sleep

Only to wake up and weep; 

some more

With dreary eyes,

I look up at the skies

Wishing I could wrap my arms around you

Knowing that holding your photograph was the least I could do

And just like that I live out my days 

Trying to fit in the world again with every passing day

Scared that I might forget about you somewhere along the way

And so I got that promotion you said I always deserved, took that trip you so longed for, married the kind of girl you’d approve of; but I could never learn to be whole again. My world still remains broken. But my little one who’s graced by your halo I can surely tell, tries to make my world a better place because I know she is a part of me just as I was a part of you. 

Praying to the Almighty that she doesn’t share the same fate I did.

Even after so many years, when I sit by your grave; reminiscing all those years gone by, tears stream down my face and I feel something crack inside of me.

Because you taught me everything mum. Just not how to live without you 💔

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One moment I was here, and the next I was gone…

I’m going to start waking up early from tomorrow

Oh I have to make that phone call to a friend; nevermind I’ll do it on the weekend!

I’ll make my favorite dish on the next festival!

I’ll start those music classes from next month

I’ll start exercising and eating right from next week

It’s about time I start giving some fucks about myself

You know what, I am going to start living my life on my own terms from now on!


And the sun shined tomorrow just like it did on every other day

But that tomorrow never came

I never made that phone call, never woke up early and heck, I never took those classes! 

The only thing I did was die; die each day, slowly

Because while fulfilling my “duties” I forgot I had a tiny little heart beating inside of me

I forgot to live


Suddenly one day I woke up and I realised that too many years passed me by

I gave love; abundant love around but I forgot to love myself

I forgot to nurture my soul

But I still don’t regret not doing all of those things for myself ;

For I was given the most precious gifts, my kids. They were my whole world

Bestowed with children who never let me down in any way,

I wonder

Now who’s going to tell them how I loved them more and more with every passing day?

Who will they come home to? Who will caress them to sleep when the worldly problems devour them!?

I wish I could somehow say the right words, any words to sooth them

Because that is the only melody they wish to listen to right now

And how it aches my heart to let them down, to not be able to ease their pain and wipe their tears

How I wish I could’ve said and done a hundred other things for them

But I’ll never get that chance again;

For I can feel that judgement day is upon me

“Remember, I will love you till the end of time

And although

One moment I’m here, 

And the next I’ll be gone,

Know this, you sweet children of mine

You’ll find me there by your side; be it hail rain or sunshine” ❤ 👼

Hey you, don’t you recognize me? 😈

Hey, let’s talk.. I’m a good listener.

….

Why are you not saying anything? Here, I’m waiting for you

….( still no answer)

Hey you, don’t you recognize me?

We used to spend hours together; contemplating, reminiscing, wishing and fantasizing 

Don’t you remember me? You talked to me of your insecurities and deepest fears.

What happened to you? Why do you ignore me?

I miss our heart wrenching musings about your life.

Don’t you too miss your friend? 😈

“Miss you? I do not 🙂 And of course I remember you. But I’d rather not.

It took me years to find myself and more importantly, love myself.

You held me back. You gave me all the reasons why I wasn’t good enough.

It took me long enough to see the devil in you, disguised as an angel in your halo

But don’t worry

I still contemplate, reminisce, wish and fantasize;

But now I do it without you, because I do not give you the power to overwhelm me.

Yes I still get insecure and I still am scared;

Scared about a hell lot of things. But what I am not, is I’m not afraid to admit it anymore.

And which is why, ” friend” I don’t feel the need to come to you anymore

And I couldn’t be happier

You can use your charms on some another helpless heart.

But you’ll never get me again.

So I’ll suggest that you too Move On.”

I swear I feel something glowing 💫✨

Don’t know where this is going

But I swear I feel something glowing

With each day that passes me by

My heart keeps soaring high

Those small tiffs are what I most cherish

Hope this “love” will never perish

No matter how many times I say I hate you,

One look in your eyes, and I won’t know if the color of the sky is still blue

Maybe this is what people call love

But then love is a million little things,

Are you really going to be my Chandler Bing?

Don’t know where this is going

But I swear I feel something glowing

The world mourns you 😞💔

This is a small tribute to Chester Bennington, the man who literally blared through my earphones over the years and changed what music meant to me. You will forever live on in our hearts through your music. Thank you for this gift.

They say music heals your heart

And why not, after all it is art

You displayed your demons through your songs

And told millions that they too belonged

You sang, you screamed, you put it all out there

Making us one with you, while we let our speakers blare

We never had the chance to know you

And yet this loss that we feel is 100% true

“Maybe your mind left you powerless, which is why it let your demons crawling in

Maybe sometimes goodbye’s the only way

I hope that wherever you are, you get to see your thousand suns
You left a million hearts in pieces, the people closest to you are left numb,

But leaving out all the rest, 

Remember that in the end, it did matter

Because when they came for you, with you;  went out one more light”

We love you Chester ❤

PS: Picture courtesy – Google images

Love and commitments and all that shiz… 💭💘

It’s so sad that we live in a generation where it’s okay to fall in and out of “love” just like that! Where it’s okay to go around and keep seeing other fish out there, cause no one’s looking for “commitment”(and it’s so much more convenient now isn’t it? One left swipe and phew!)

The moment the C word comes into a conversation, people start pulling the plugs on their relationships. Nobody wants to make an effort and nobody wants to take the first step towards building together and seeing it through. 

You want someone to be your light at the end of a dark day but are not comfortable to enlighten them; you don’t let them in. Because well, your space. You don’t want to lose that. You don’t want them to see your vulnerable side. (But love makes you vulnerable! It makes you strong; yes; to face your demons, to face the world. But between the two of you, it can overwhelm you too much for you to handle.)

So now you decide to simply not utter the 3 sacred words and you think all’s well. Because the L word is out of the picture! 

But is it, really? You spend time with each other, just like friends do. Because hey, remember we’re not calling anybody “lovers” here.! So you say this comes with no attachments. But attachments are formed and expectations develop and then one of you maybe are courageous enough to speak it up. To confess your feelings. And all shit goes down! Because you were not prepared to feel so vulnerable when your beloved “friend” walks away from all this emo drama that you are trying to burden them with and which you both so casually and coolly decided to refrain from.

And that’s when it hits you, that you were actually right! You indeed shouldn’t have gone down this path of attachments and commitments and after a few months of sloshed weekends with your friends and maybe a few drunken calls or texts, you put yourself out there and the vicious cycle  begins. And this time you are even more determined to not fall in the trap!

So you see how you’ve got yourself to believe that you are so unworthy of love and affection;  trust and commitment, that you keep losing yourself a little, each time you do this?  And sadly our generation believes that this is it. That the golden days of romance, courtship and beautiful relationships are the privilege of only a few. And while finding true love is indeed rare and special, our beloved “millennials” believe that they are in fact doomed for love. 

And all I can think of to say to them is that a very sentimental and genuine man( most of you know him by the name Ted Mosby) one said,

“But love doesn’t make sense! You cannot logic  your way into or out of it. Or else we are lost and love is dead. And humanity should just pack it in; because love is the best think that we do.”


Choice.

The more she  thought about it, the more she would realise the ridiculousness of it all.

It amused her how only a few months ago, clinging onto hope seemed like the most difficult thing ever.

And today, it came to her as naturally as breathing.

She paid a price of course, to achieve this. To become this person.

But the things that once seemed like life shattering and losing her mind over,

Now seemed like a lifetime away, or rather she left that miserable person to sulk in that limbo
Because today when she looks into the mirror, she is okay to know that things are not going her way today;

And that they might not for a while, but she puts on her kohl and goes on with the day.

Not because she thinks she doesn’t have a choice but in fact because she knows it’s her choice. That she is choosing happiness over broken dreams in hopes to mend those broken pieces. 

She knows that what doesn’t kill you, well it doesn’t kill you because you are stronger; stronger than you think you are. And anyone telling you otherwise; well just let them be.