From despair and loneliness to hope (3/3)

With the dawn of sunrise, came the promise of a new day; a new beginning. After twisting & turning with no hope of sleeping and aimlessly walking the night before, now walking along the shore with only the sound of waves and a few birds chirping, I felt the cold crisp morning breeze touch my skin and I let myself soak in the solitude of the empty beach.

Fascinatingly gazing at the orangish pink hues in the otherwise clear blue skies, I knew I had regained my lost perspective.

And although I still tucked my hands in my pockets, I no longer felt lonely. I felt whole; within myself. Whole enough to enjoy that bliss of solitude that God had bestowed upon me. Because I remembered that no matter what I do and where I go, my happiness was the result of my thoughs. That it was far more important to live in the here and now than to live in the realm of expectations.

That happiness was a state of mind and I had complete control over it and that as long as I remembered this, I would always find my happy place within me.

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From despair and loneliness to hope (2/3)

With only the sound of waves crashing on the shore, the pitch black surrounding and nothing but the starry sky to give me company, I knew what solitude looked like. And I know that solitude is bliss. I believe it.

But somehow I could not enjoy that bliss. It was like my solitude was turning into loneliness. Unlike the complete serenity that I was beholding, a part of me felt incomplete. Like the emptiness of the pitch black ocean, I could feel a sinking feeling tug at my shoulder, pulling me down. 

As I put both my hands into my pockets and walked down the dark winding road,  I could feel the yearning in my heart and in my hands that were aching to reach out to you. Hold your hands and feel the firmness in them to know that I was safe. That I was home. That I was with you.

From despair and loneliness to hope (1/3)

Staring into the beautiful horizon, waves of emotions washed over me as my eyes tried to capture the beautiful sight to etch it in my memory.
Fascinated by the magnificent ocean before me, I could feel the gush of air blowing into my face; making my heart swell with happiness.

But there was something else too that I couldn’t quite put my finger on.

My heart felt full; yet not  quite complete as if it wasn’t whole. Like I left a part of it back where I came from. Surrounded by loved ones and still I could feel the dearth of being alone. That tingling feeling just didn’t seem to elude me.

My heart was calling out to you but silence was all I got and with that silence came  nothingness; drowning me within its wake.

Hey you, don’t you recognize me? 😈

Hey, let’s talk.. I’m a good listener.

….

Why are you not saying anything? Here, I’m waiting for you

….( still no answer)

Hey you, don’t you recognize me?

We used to spend hours together; contemplating, reminiscing, wishing and fantasizing 

Don’t you remember me? You talked to me of your insecurities and deepest fears.

What happened to you? Why do you ignore me?

I miss our heart wrenching musings about your life.

Don’t you too miss your friend? 😈

“Miss you? I do not 🙂 And of course I remember you. But I’d rather not.

It took me years to find myself and more importantly, love myself.

You held me back. You gave me all the reasons why I wasn’t good enough.

It took me long enough to see the devil in you, disguised as an angel in your halo

But don’t worry

I still contemplate, reminisce, wish and fantasize;

But now I do it without you, because I do not give you the power to overwhelm me.

Yes I still get insecure and I still am scared;

Scared about a hell lot of things. But what I am not, is I’m not afraid to admit it anymore.

And which is why, ” friend” I don’t feel the need to come to you anymore

And I couldn’t be happier

You can use your charms on some another helpless heart.

But you’ll never get me again.

So I’ll suggest that you too Move On.”

Love and commitments and all that shiz… 💭💘

It’s so sad that we live in a generation where it’s okay to fall in and out of “love” just like that! Where it’s okay to go around and keep seeing other fish out there, cause no one’s looking for “commitment”(and it’s so much more convenient now isn’t it? One left swipe and phew!)

The moment the C word comes into a conversation, people start pulling the plugs on their relationships. Nobody wants to make an effort and nobody wants to take the first step towards building together and seeing it through. 

You want someone to be your light at the end of a dark day but are not comfortable to enlighten them; you don’t let them in. Because well, your space. You don’t want to lose that. You don’t want them to see your vulnerable side. (But love makes you vulnerable! It makes you strong; yes; to face your demons, to face the world. But between the two of you, it can overwhelm you too much for you to handle.)

So now you decide to simply not utter the 3 sacred words and you think all’s well. Because the L word is out of the picture! 

But is it, really? You spend time with each other, just like friends do. Because hey, remember we’re not calling anybody “lovers” here.! So you say this comes with no attachments. But attachments are formed and expectations develop and then one of you maybe are courageous enough to speak it up. To confess your feelings. And all shit goes down! Because you were not prepared to feel so vulnerable when your beloved “friend” walks away from all this emo drama that you are trying to burden them with and which you both so casually and coolly decided to refrain from.

And that’s when it hits you, that you were actually right! You indeed shouldn’t have gone down this path of attachments and commitments and after a few months of sloshed weekends with your friends and maybe a few drunken calls or texts, you put yourself out there and the vicious cycle  begins. And this time you are even more determined to not fall in the trap!

So you see how you’ve got yourself to believe that you are so unworthy of love and affection;  trust and commitment, that you keep losing yourself a little, each time you do this?  And sadly our generation believes that this is it. That the golden days of romance, courtship and beautiful relationships are the privilege of only a few. And while finding true love is indeed rare and special, our beloved “millennials” believe that they are in fact doomed for love. 

And all I can think of to say to them is that a very sentimental and genuine man( most of you know him by the name Ted Mosby) one said,

“But love doesn’t make sense! You cannot logic  your way into or out of it. Or else we are lost and love is dead. And humanity should just pack it in; because love is the best think that we do.”


Musings of a mind surrounded with nothingness…..💭               ( if that’s even a thing 🤔)

There’s this gloominess surrounding me,

Not sure why I’m just letting it be
No matter how hard I try to shake away this sinking feeling,

It feels like it’s devouring me with every moment that’s fleeting
This is not what I had in mind, 

When I said I’ll make the best of this lone time
The pendulum kept swaying away,

As I scroll from one app to another, in dismay
I felt it fade away just as I strummed my guitar,

Only to come back with an aura that is even more bizarre!
What is this melancholy that is surrounding me?

Why is it just not letting me be?