The foolish heart 💔

There’s this restlessness that I feel

Even when before God, I kneel

I can’t shake it, seems like it’s got under my skin

Don’t know when this will end, just hope it doesn’t break me from within

It’s not like I fear losing something

Because I behold nothing,

And yet I fear all the same

So many things are left unsaid

Wondering if they’ll ever get a chance to get out of my head

Even the little words that were said

Still make my face turn red

It’s like I’m holding on to a delicate thread

Oblivious to what it might do to me in the end

Maybe I should just let this slip away

Before it takes me down too, in its sway

But this foolish heart never listens

Maybe it’s just got used to being in this prison

Waiting for the stars to one day shine brighter than ever

When it’ll finally get its ” happy forever”

Life in a local train

As a Mumbaikar, the one thing that is probably capable of scaring a Lot of people, is travelling in “aamchi local trains”. 

Even a person who adores Mumbai can admit that although local trains have proved to be a boon for day to day travel, the relentless battles that are fought everyday by millions of people for boarding a train or ascending from one, are quite cringeworthy. 

Anyone who’s ever travelled in a ladies first class will also agree the elitist attitude of the so called upper middle class women in our city is at times unfathomable. You cannot touch someone’s hand or shoulder by the effect of a sudden jolt which is a usual occurrence in trains. Sitting on 4th seat? Welcome to 13 glaring eyes looking at you. Someone who apparently doesn’t ” appear” to be a person who could travel in first class is curtly shown the door on the next station. And they easily say that “the women in the other compartment fight and  shout if something happens. Have no sense of civil conduct.” 

Just yesterday when I was heading home from work, I witnessed a situation where a girl kept her bag and she probably by mistake or I don’t know if it was intentional, on another woman’s feet! Don’t know exactly what transpired later but even my noise cancelling Sennihiser earphones couldn’t stop their voices from being audible, leaving me as an eavesdropper to their heated conversation. No sooner than it started, they were speaking at the top of their voices, throwing abuses at each other and the men in the general compartment were having a gala time as spectators to the “cat fight”, as we all like to call it. And why only men? Even the other ladies were silently mocking these two females. 

In this whole scenario, what really struck me is the evidence of the fact that no matter where you travel, we all are essentially the same. The only difference I could see between the so called elitist crowd and the others is that they haul abuses in English which makes them think that they are sophisticated than those who say the same things but only in local languages! Honestly, I was almost laughing to myself there and had to resist somehow, else I would have been on the receiving end of the stick this time 😂😜

While this is definitely the ugly side, there is something uniting too about train journeys. No other city in our country will have a concept of “train friends”. But in  aamchi Mumbai people also have train friends apart from all their other friends. You can see them acting like a close knit group if you’ve travelled enough to see them daily. They’ll celebrate festivals in train, get sweets for each other, and of course they find someone where they can vent their emotions without any fear of being caught!

So no matter how much we detest travelling in trains because of the heat and the mad rush hours, we should be greatful for this invention that has made day to day commuting cheaper and convenient for millions of people. And also, remember that just like you, everyone is heading home at the end of a tiring day at work only to complete a few more chores at home and no one is really in the mood to argue or even has the energy, really. Let’s remember this and try to be more kinder.

Tales of an estranged heart

I didn’t think we’d ever stand here at these crossroads
Not knowing if I’ll still find you by my side at the end of the road

Is it just me, or have we really come this far?

So far; that even the love in our hearts isn’t enough to heal the scars

It only seems like yesterday when we had it all planned

What now only seems like it could be wonderland

I won’t say I don’t love you anymore, cause that ain’t true

But maybe it does start to feel like after all it is untrue

Cause tell me, why am I not by your side when you need me the most

Knowing what it will cost you

Looks like after all this time, I’ve finally given up on us

With our dreams smeared like the colors on that canvas

Musings of a mind surrounded with nothingness…..💭 ( if that’s even a thing 🤔)

There’s this gloominess surrounding me,

Not sure why I’m just letting it be
No matter how hard I try to shake away this sinking feeling,

It feels like it’s devouring me with every moment that’s fleeting
This is not what I had in mind, 

When I said I’ll make the best of this lone time
The pendulum kept swaying away,

As I scroll from one app to another, in dismay
I felt it fade away just as I strummed my guitar,

Only to come back with an aura that is even more bizarre!
What is this melancholy that is surrounding me?

Why is it just not letting me be?

Flashbacks💫

Every time as I look out the window when the train halts for people to get down at that station, my brain goes on a rewind; forming pictures of the past flash before my eyes, making it so surreal that as the train starts again, it jolts me back to the present.

There’s a certain vibe to the whole trips down the memory lane. Isn’t it? 

How they can get you trapped back in a time that is lost and you so desperately try to cling on to it. As if that’s going to bring back the time or the people back in your life. 

Most often it’s the regrets attached to those times that you’ve locked in deep drawers of your heart, that have your emotions scattered all over the place. Just when you think that you’re okay, a different kind of pain is unleashed, too much for this feable heart to take on. 

Then there are also people from your past that don’t make it to your present. Maybe they hurt you, or you broke their heart in some way, or maybe you simply just grew out of each other. Whatever the reason, the heart still wants to feel the warmth of their affection that you once thought will last forever.

But amidst all the sad and hearbreaking realisations, there is something soothing too about nostalgia. Because when you look around, you are amazed to see how many people made it to your present and your heart swells with contentment. You can count your blessings because no matter what boiled down then, you survived and are living the life that you once dreamt about, or at least moving in that direction.

You are filled with a new sense of hope that uplifts you every morning. Because you’ve grown out of the person you once were and are ready to embrace each day as a new adventure. You decide to shine even if it’s hail rain or sunshine because you know, it’s the choices that you make today, that will make all the difference when you play the rewind button tomorrow.

And if it isn’t so. If you still don’t find yourself on the path you’d laid out for yourself, if you still struggle to wake up every morning and put on a happy face, then don’t worry. You can still start today! You can still make all the difference in the world. You’ve only got to believe in yourself. Remind yourself that you’ve made it this far. What’s to stop you to go where you want to? 

You only need a little more conviction. And a small leap of faith.

My weekend getaway

As I woke up with sore legs and a runny nose, sleeping on an uneven surface, surrounded by the snores of my tired friends, I swear I hadn’t witnessed such a beautiful morning in a really long time. The cozy tent, although devoided me of my urban comforts, exuded the warmth of my bed that allowed me to sleep like a baby, with not a care in the world. The sore legs that followed was worth every bit.

As usual, the first one to wake up. I couldn’t have been anymore glad that I did. The lake just a few inches from me was ever so calm and and let its chill flow through me. Cut off from the outside world, could I truly admire the sound of the cuckoo’s bang that I don’t even get to hear in the city! The whistling of wind combined with the screeching of birds was pure melody to my ears. The amazing evening spent the day before played before my eyes as I breathed in the magnificence I was surrounded with.

Our day started with buckloads of energy and with these group of people, the energy just never seems to die! 😀

Empty, winding roads led us to our destination. Isn’t there something absolutely awe inspiring about winding roads? You don’t know when the road ahead is going to take a quirky, longer than expected turn and yet, you enjoy that ride just like any other. More so even! (Wish we could share a similar perspective on our lives too.)

As we reached our camping site, I have to admit I was thrilled but also a little nervous. Like honestly, we were in the middle of nowhere stranded in a small village! But then that’s why I wanted to go there in the first place. So letting go of my fears, I beheld the beautiful sight of the Arthur lake. And I knew our evening was going to be amazing.

As we settled our belongings in our tents, we took that much awaited dip in the lake. Scared at first, I let the water work its magic as I let it soak me in. Almost therapeutic.
(No doubt this “dip” in the lake proved to be difficult on my nose and throat later :p but it isn’t everyday you get to drench yourself in a lake, do you?)

As the sun slowly bid goodbye for us to welcome an enchanting evening, the pole star made its first appearance.

And before I could know it, the sky turned into a star studded night! A little less than my expectations, but it was a beautiful sight to behold none the less. Lying underneath the stars with only the moon to keep us company, I could hear Bruno Mars’ “Talking to the moon” from somewhere inside my head.
Then as sleep found my weary eyes, I rushed in to the firmly set tent, only to wake up to a morning, that was a visual spectacle of its own.
And then as I sat alone by the lake, waiting for my friends to wake up, I felt lucky enough to experience the bliss of solitude. Being one with nature works its own wonders.

As the sun finally stopped playing hide and seek and peeked in from between the Sahyadris, its first rays made my skin dance in warm satisfaction, as it found its antidote to the cold crisp breeze.
And then just as my friends began to wake up one by one, my lone time with nature came to an end but not before we went for that early morning boat ride. As I sat at the rear of the boat on one side, I couldn’t help but notice the beautifully perfect ripples that formed on the water as the rower artistically sculled his oars.

It was eventually time to bid farewell and leave the serenity behind us and walk back into the hustle and bustle of the city. But even I as I write this, lying on my comfy bed, with my legs still a little store and nose still runny from being exposed to the chilling water of the lake, I can’t help but smile as I’m hit with the wave of nostalgia from this beautiful getaway.

 
PS: As #exploringmyhorizons turns 1, 😇 I want to thank each and every one of you generous readers who keep encouraging me to write and follow my heart. This journey has been very rewarding for me on a personal level and I have you all to thank for it. Hope to see you all continue to shower your kindness and love to this blog.☺

Thank you ❤

It never ends…

Cristian Mihai

Are you waiting for that time when “everything will fall into place?” When the economy will be better, when your situation will be better, when you’ll have different people around you? Are you wishing for a different kind of relationship, for a different you, for a different body, for a different career?

Are you thinking that there will be some day when you can rest? When there’s going to be comfort, when you’ll feel safe. When you’ll feel nothing but pride?

When all this pain and the stress and this suffering you’re going through will end?

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