Learning to live without you 💙

Looking at the empty side of your bed where you used to lay

I paused for a moment, only to just carry on with the rest of my day

All the people I met, asked me if I was doing okay

But did anyone actually care what I really wanted to say?

Could I tell them that my world was broken and it bores a hole in my chest?

That no matter what I do doesn’t seem to let me rest!

So all I say is I’m fine with a half-hearted smile

And off I go; so I can hide behind my work files

Day one had just begun

And I was already waiting for it to get done

As I head back to our now empty home

Hoping to hear your angry voice as I eat from that take out near our home

Only to realise that now I’ll never get to hear you say

Feeling sorry for all the times I told you to stay out of my way

As I silently cry myself to sleep

Only to wake up and weep; 

some more

With dreary eyes,

I look up at the skies

Wishing I could wrap my arms around you

Knowing that holding your photograph was the least I could do

And just like that I live out my days 

Trying to fit in the world again with every passing day

Scared that I might forget about you somewhere along the way

And so I got that promotion you said I always deserved, took that trip you so longed for, married the kind of girl you’d approve of; but I could never learn to be whole again. My world still remains broken. But my little one who’s graced by your halo I can surely tell, tries to make my world a better place because I know she is a part of me just as I was a part of you. 

Praying to the Almighty that she doesn’t share the same fate I did.

Even after so many years, when I sit by your grave; reminiscing all those years gone by, tears stream down my face and I feel something crack inside of me.

Because you taught me everything mum. Just not how to live without you 💔

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One moment I was here, and the next I was gone…

I’m going to start waking up early from tomorrow

Oh I have to make that phone call to a friend; nevermind I’ll do it on the weekend!

I’ll make my favorite dish on the next festival!

I’ll start those music classes from next month

I’ll start exercising and eating right from next week

It’s about time I start giving some fucks about myself

You know what, I am going to start living my life on my own terms from now on!


And the sun shined tomorrow just like it did on every other day

But that tomorrow never came

I never made that phone call, never woke up early and heck, I never took those classes! 

The only thing I did was die; die each day, slowly

Because while fulfilling my “duties” I forgot I had a tiny little heart beating inside of me

I forgot to live


Suddenly one day I woke up and I realised that too many years passed me by

I gave love; abundant love around but I forgot to love myself

I forgot to nurture my soul

But I still don’t regret not doing all of those things for myself ;

For I was given the most precious gifts, my kids. They were my whole world

Bestowed with children who never let me down in any way,

I wonder

Now who’s going to tell them how I loved them more and more with every passing day?

Who will they come home to? Who will caress them to sleep when the worldly problems devour them!?

I wish I could somehow say the right words, any words to sooth them

Because that is the only melody they wish to listen to right now

And how it aches my heart to let them down, to not be able to ease their pain and wipe their tears

How I wish I could’ve said and done a hundred other things for them

But I’ll never get that chance again;

For I can feel that judgement day is upon me

“Remember, I will love you till the end of time

And although

One moment I’m here, 

And the next I’ll be gone,

Know this, you sweet children of mine

You’ll find me there by your side; be it hail rain or sunshine” ❤ 👼

Love and commitments and all that shiz… 💭💘

It’s so sad that we live in a generation where it’s okay to fall in and out of “love” just like that! Where it’s okay to go around and keep seeing other fish out there, cause no one’s looking for “commitment”(and it’s so much more convenient now isn’t it? One left swipe and phew!)

The moment the C word comes into a conversation, people start pulling the plugs on their relationships. Nobody wants to make an effort and nobody wants to take the first step towards building together and seeing it through. 

You want someone to be your light at the end of a dark day but are not comfortable to enlighten them; you don’t let them in. Because well, your space. You don’t want to lose that. You don’t want them to see your vulnerable side. (But love makes you vulnerable! It makes you strong; yes; to face your demons, to face the world. But between the two of you, it can overwhelm you too much for you to handle.)

So now you decide to simply not utter the 3 sacred words and you think all’s well. Because the L word is out of the picture! 

But is it, really? You spend time with each other, just like friends do. Because hey, remember we’re not calling anybody “lovers” here.! So you say this comes with no attachments. But attachments are formed and expectations develop and then one of you maybe are courageous enough to speak it up. To confess your feelings. And all shit goes down! Because you were not prepared to feel so vulnerable when your beloved “friend” walks away from all this emo drama that you are trying to burden them with and which you both so casually and coolly decided to refrain from.

And that’s when it hits you, that you were actually right! You indeed shouldn’t have gone down this path of attachments and commitments and after a few months of sloshed weekends with your friends and maybe a few drunken calls or texts, you put yourself out there and the vicious cycle  begins. And this time you are even more determined to not fall in the trap!

So you see how you’ve got yourself to believe that you are so unworthy of love and affection;  trust and commitment, that you keep losing yourself a little, each time you do this?  And sadly our generation believes that this is it. That the golden days of romance, courtship and beautiful relationships are the privilege of only a few. And while finding true love is indeed rare and special, our beloved “millennials” believe that they are in fact doomed for love. 

And all I can think of to say to them is that a very sentimental and genuine man( most of you know him by the name Ted Mosby) one said,

“But love doesn’t make sense! You cannot logic  your way into or out of it. Or else we are lost and love is dead. And humanity should just pack it in; because love is the best think that we do.”


It wasn’t enough

He wanted to love her, the same way she wanted him to

She wanted his love, his warmth, his affection, his all

But his heart was just not ready to take the fall

He thought he could give her his all

But all he could give her was a phone call

She was his friend, was all he could see

To him, It was all that they could be

 

She had built a castle of dreams, only for her to see

But when her castle broke into pieces

He tried so hard to mend it, 

For she was his best friend, his soul mate 

And yet that still wasn’t enough


The fall that we have all taken at some point in our lives….💔💭

You walked into my life when I least expected it
So much so that the first time has faded into a blurred memory 

With my mind trying to recrete the memory and failing miserably each time

Who knew that this was all a scheme

That time had in store for me?

Do you see how my face brightens up just seeing you smile?
Is that a twinkling in your eyes I see when I look into them? 

Or is that just a little figment of my imagination?

Maybe you don’t see it; maybe you do

But I do, I see  everything; or so I think

Because when I do think about it, it all vanishes in a blink

Torn between waiting for you to come around or protect my heart and let go

Don’t know which one’s tougher though,

Waiting for something that’s also maybe waiting for me

Or walking away from something that I am not even sure could ever be mine? 

The foolish heart 💔

There’s this restlessness that I feel

Even when before God, I kneel

I can’t shake it, seems like it’s got under my skin

Don’t know when this will end, just hope it doesn’t break me from within

It’s not like I fear losing something

Because I behold nothing,

And yet I fear all the same

So many things are left unsaid

Wondering if they’ll ever get a chance to get out of my head

Even the little words that were said

Still make my face turn red

It’s like I’m holding on to a delicate thread

Oblivious to what it might do to me in the end

Maybe I should just let this slip away

Before it takes me down too, in its sway

But this foolish heart never listens

Maybe it’s just got used to being in this prison

Waiting for the stars to one day shine brighter than ever

When it’ll finally get its ” happy forever”

Tales of an estranged heart

I didn’t think we’d ever stand here at these crossroads
Not knowing if I’ll still find you by my side at the end of the road

Is it just me, or have we really come this far?

So far; that even the love in our hearts isn’t enough to heal the scars

It only seems like yesterday when we had it all planned

What now only seems like it could be wonderland

I won’t say I don’t love you anymore, cause that ain’t true

But maybe it does start to feel like after all it is untrue

Cause tell me, why am I not by your side when you need me the most

Knowing what it will cost you

Looks like after all this time, I’ve finally given up on us

With our dreams smeared like the colors on that canvas