From despair and loneliness to hope (3/3)

With the dawn of sunrise, came the promise of a new day; a new beginning. After twisting & turning with no hope of sleeping and aimlessly walking the night before, now walking along the shore with only the sound of waves and a few birds chirping, I felt the cold crisp morning breeze touch my skin and I let myself soak in the solitude of the empty beach.

Fascinatingly gazing at the orangish pink hues in the otherwise clear blue skies, I knew I had regained my lost perspective.

And although I still tucked my hands in my pockets, I no longer felt lonely. I felt whole; within myself. Whole enough to enjoy that bliss of solitude that God had bestowed upon me. Because I remembered that no matter what I do and where I go, my happiness was the result of my thoughs. That it was far more important to live in the here and now than to live in the realm of expectations.

That happiness was a state of mind and I had complete control over it and that as long as I remembered this, I would always find my happy place within me.

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From despair and loneliness to hope (2/3)

With only the sound of waves crashing on the shore, the pitch black surrounding and nothing but the starry sky to give me company, I knew what solitude looked like. And I know that solitude is bliss. I believe it.

But somehow I could not enjoy that bliss. It was like my solitude was turning into loneliness. Unlike the complete serenity that I was beholding, a part of me felt incomplete. Like the emptiness of the pitch black ocean, I could feel a sinking feeling tug at my shoulder, pulling me down.

As I put both my hands into my pockets and walked down the dark winding road, I could feel the yearning in my heart and in my hands that were aching to reach out to you. Hold your hands and feel the firmness in them to know that I was safe. That I was home. That I was with you.

From despair and loneliness to hope (1/3)

Staring into the beautiful horizon, waves of\nStaring into the beautiful horizon, waves of emotions washed over me as my eyes tried to capture the beautiful sight to etch it in my memory.\nFascinated by the magnificent ocean before me, I could feel the gush of air blowing into my face; making my heart swell with happiness.\nBut there was something else too that I couldn\’t quite put my finger on.\nMy heart felt full; yet not quite complete as if it wasn\’t whole. Like I left a part of it back where I came from. Surrounded by loved ones and still I could feel the dearth of being alone. That tingling feeling just didn\’t seem to elude me.\n\nMy heart was calling out to you but silence was all I got and with that silence came nothingness; drowning me within its wake. emotions washed over me as my eyes tried to capture the beautiful sight to etch it in my memory.
Fascinated by the magnificent ocean before me, I could feel the gush of air blowing into my face; making my heart swell with happiness.

But there was something else too that I couldn’t quite put my finger on.

My heart felt full; yet not quite complete as if it wasn’t whole. Like I left a part of it back where I came from. Surrounded by loved ones and still I could feel the dearth of being alone. That tingling feeling just didn’t seem to elude me.

My heart was calling out to you but silence was all I got and with that silence came nothingness; drowning me within its wake.

Going back to the roots

It was just a usual Sunday, like any other. We were returning home from my sister’s and while we were in the car, we saw a huge flock of birds in the twilight sky, those that form different shapes while flying and always stick together. My mother immediately showed this beautiful sight to my 7 year old niece who, to my surprise, was awed. And my mom being the teacher she always has been, told her this : See those birds, Vidhi? They are heading towards their home at the end of the day. They always fly together so no one goes astray. Do you know what that means? You should also never run away and leave your parents.

Of course she was referring to times when Vidhi went out with her parents so that she doesn’t get lost. But to me; well to me it struck altogether a different chord. It felt like this was somehow directed straight towards me. And I felt a pang of guilt when I remembered the recent times when I expressed my desire to spend time away from them. That I’d rather travel alone or basically with anyone but them when discussing about a trip I intend to make before the end of this year.

Now I don’t know if that really was the case or not but it sure did feel like it. But knowing how my mom is usually not to play around with words, and make her point clearly if she intends to make one in the first place, it probably was nothing. Just an innocent talk between a granny and her grand daughter. And I was just the passive 3rd party to this conversation with a guilty conscience.

But maybe the universe meant for me to feel what I did. Because it was only then that I realised what a complete asshole I was being to my parents. Understandable that I am that age where one doesn’t necessarily feel like spending all of their time with their parents. But they never asked me to spend my entire spare time with them. They only expected me to remove some time out of my “world” and spend some quality time with them. And I just like every other person in their early 20s didn’t particularly do anything about it.

But today’s little incident gave me so much to delve into. I mean let’s face it, all of us in our 20 somethings are probably at the helm of our careers, or on the brink of starting one. Money, career, travelling, friends, living the dream – suddenly become the most important things and our families take a backseat. What we forget is that while we are waiting for our beaitiful futures to unravel, our parents are getting old. They can’t do things they once were able to do with ease. And we don’t know how much time they have with us. We often realise the value of things and people after they walk away from us. But these are not just any people. They gave life to us. The least we could do for them is to give them some of our time and love instead of crying in front of their graveyards long after they’re gone.

So let’s decide to spend at least one weekend each month with them. Let’s take that trip with them that they really want us to join in. Cook a small meal for them! Maybe become a little responsible at home. These really are small things but will mean the world to them.

Let’s try to go back to our basics. To our roots. Stick together; because together we are stronger.

I don’t know about you, but at least I am going to try my best.

Together

She never truly understood the depth of her own feelings

It was only when his heart needed healing

And she could do nothing to ease his ailing

Was when she realised how futile was all this waiting

She wanted to say something, anything to make it right

But the words failed her, knowing nothing she said was gona make it alright

So while she stood by and watched him suffer

She decided she needed to be tougher

For life was going to put such hurdles along the way

But together they could face any mayday

Learning to live without you ðŸ’™

Looking at the empty side of your bed where you used to lay

I paused for a moment, only to just carry on with the rest of my day

All the people I met, asked me if I was doing okay

But did anyone actually care what I really wanted to say?

Could I tell them that my world was broken and it bores a hole in my chest?

That no matter what I do doesn’t seem to let me rest!

So all I say is I’m fine with a half-hearted smile

And off I go; so I can hide behind my work files

Day one had just begun

And I was already waiting for it to get done

As I head back to our now empty home

Hoping to hear your angry voice as I eat from that take out near our home

Only to realise that now I’ll never get to hear you say

Feeling sorry for all the times I told you to stay out of my way

As I silently cry myself to sleep

Only to wake up and weep; 

some more

With dreary eyes,

I look up at the skies

Wishing I could wrap my arms around you

Knowing that holding your photograph was the least I could do

And just like that I live out my days 

Trying to fit in the world again with every passing day

Scared that I might forget about you somewhere along the way

And so I got that promotion you said I always deserved, took that trip you so longed for, married the kind of girl you’d approve of; but I could never learn to be whole again. My world still remains broken. But my little one who’s graced by your halo I can surely tell, tries to make my world a better place because I know she is a part of me just as I was a part of you. 

Praying to the Almighty that she doesn’t share the same fate I did.

Even after so many years, when I sit by your grave; reminiscing all those years gone by, tears stream down my face and I feel something crack inside of me.

Because you taught me everything mum. Just not how to live without you 💔

One moment I was here, and the next I was gone…

I’m going to start waking up early from tomorrow

Oh I have to make that phone call to a friend; nevermind I’ll do it on the weekend!

I’ll make my favorite dish on the next festival!

I’ll start those music classes from next month

I’ll start exercising and eating right from next week

It’s about time I start giving some fucks about myself

You know what, I am going to start living my life on my own terms from now on!


And the sun shined tomorrow just like it did on every other day

But that tomorrow never came

I never made that phone call, never woke up early and heck, I never took those classes! 

The only thing I did was die; die each day, slowly

Because while fulfilling my “duties” I forgot I had a tiny little heart beating inside of me

I forgot to live


Suddenly one day I woke up and I realised that too many years passed me by

I gave love; abundant love around but I forgot to love myself

I forgot to nurture my soul

But I still don’t regret not doing all of those things for myself ;

For I was given the most precious gifts, my kids. They were my whole world

Bestowed with children who never let me down in any way,

I wonder

Now who’s going to tell them how I loved them more and more with every passing day?

Who will they come home to? Who will caress them to sleep when the worldly problems devour them!?

I wish I could somehow say the right words, any words to sooth them

Because that is the only melody they wish to listen to right now

And how it aches my heart to let them down, to not be able to ease their pain and wipe their tears

How I wish I could’ve said and done a hundred other things for them

But I’ll never get that chance again;

For I can feel that judgement day is upon me

“Remember, I will love you till the end of time

And although

One moment I’m here, 

And the next I’ll be gone,

Know this, you sweet children of mine

You’ll find me there by your side; be it hail rain or sunshine” ❤ 👼